Welcome To My Journey
Hi, I’m Hannah, a soulpreneur, blogger, social media specialist, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend.
A Sassy Ginger with a Creative Spirit.
& most importantly,
the reason why I am here, writing to you….
A mom to two angel babies,
Harlie Sage & Phoenix Gabriel.
I am also personal development junkie, lightworker & advocate for pregnancy loss awareness.
I am passionate about sharing the real, raw & honest.
This is my story, my spiritual journey of life after loss, healing in the hurt & growing with grace.
From The Blog
“No coming, no going, no after, no before.
I hold you close, I release you to be free;
I am in you & you are in me.”Thich Nhat Hanh
May 22nd 2020…
This day symbolizes the first month since my daughter, Harlie Sage was born sleeping.
A little over 4 weeks ago, I was celebrating milestones & moments of my pregnancy as we prepared for & anticipated our daughter’s in September.
Saturdays were my favorite days because it meant another week she was growing inside me & we were one day closer to meeting her.
I would updated my letterboard with a witty saying to make the week, her growth & how I was feeling.
In the middle of a global pandemic.
And what also felt like the most amazing time in my life…
I didn’t know that just 4 months into this new chapter…on April 22nd, 2020, that new chapter would come to an abrupt, tragic, unforeseen halt.
On April 21st 2020, the most devastating course of events took place.
& I remember crying, begging God “PLEASE NO…”
“God, keep her safe & protected in my womb. I cannot be going into later. It is TOO SOON, I cried out.”
& then it happened.
As my water broke, the blood poured out and I simultaneously screamed & sobbed.
I screamed for my boyfriend & I called the doctor in total shock & panic…
Next thing I remember,
I was rushed to the hospital and while in the car, through my tears, my uncontrollable sobs, I continued to beg God.. please keep her inside me.
But it was too late.
The doctors & nurses rushing in to help me the best they could…
She still had a heartbeat.
“WHY couldn’t they just keep her in there?”
And then I heard the words:
“Im sorry Hannah, but your labor has begun.”
“There is nothing we can do.”
Those words hit me like a hurricane, like a whirlpool of devastation & heartbreak.
NO. NO. NO.
This whole time I was by myself because of hospital restrictions due to Covid-19…
My OB told the nurses to get my mom & boyfriend up to my room right away.
I am so grateful for her.
I was soon joined by my boyfriend Aaron and my mom, Karen.
I don’t remember much because I was in such shock, but I do recall being able to breathe for a moment knowing they were there with me.
And all the while, the agony, tears and heartbreak began to get louder & intensified.
I will tell more of my story as time goes on..
But for now I’ll share this:
That is when our precious Harlie Sage, was born into the arms of God.
She was beautiful.
But, she was born sleeping.
No cry after I delivered her.
No warm body bonding with mine.
No arms reaching.
To be honest, before I delivered her, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see her.
What would she look like? Would something be wrong with her? What if it scarred me even more to see her?
Yet, there she was.
Swaddled in miniature size blankets & a handmade hat out of a sock because she was so tiny.
My Mom rushed over to her immediately, she wanted to be so close to her grandbaby every second she could.
Not for one second, was Harlie not loved & cared for.
And my boyfriend stood next to me, holding my hand, crying with me, sharing in our joy & pain of that moment.
What a terribly tragic moment, yet so beautiful because we got to see our baby girl.
As the drugs started to lessen their impact, as the tears were drying out for a moment, I saw her.
And she was so perfect, beautiful & tiny.
Absolutely nothing was wrong with her.
She had all her fingers & toes, she even have the cutest fingernails.
She had her dad’s nose, my lips & chin.
I cannot describe my inability to accept that she was no longer inside me,
but also the wildly beautiful experience of seeing her, fearfully & wonderfully made as she laid there, quiet, eyes shut, and no longer with us in the physical.
Her soul was already in Heaven.
There is more of this story to be told…
but as I sit here this morning, listening to the birds chirping and feeling the sun on my face,
I honor & celebrate her short, yet impactful & meaningful life.
She is SO real to us.
She is all around us.
She is a part of us.
She is our baby girl.
She is Daughter.
Not was, or going to be….she is.
& she will always be.
Happy birth date my beautiful baby girl, we love you to the moon & back.
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I designed this blog with the intention of creating a sacred, safe space to share my story & empower other women to be authentic in sharing theirs…
My intention is to bring hope & healing to the women who are learning how to live life after loss.
I welcome you.
I honor you.
I love you.
I would love to hear your story, let’s connect on social.